I was so Happy pregnant with my second child, and its another little girl!! I was ecstatic I was having so much fun raising my first daughter Madison. I knew I was ready to have bigger family, to put all my old dress's from my oldest daughter on my new little girl. Like many mothers and fathers I wanted a healthy baby and when I counted 10 fingers and ten toes all the signs of a perfectly healthy little girl, and also just as beautiful as I expected.
Kennedy grew into a beautiful little girl, by two years she played with her sister but any chance she got to visit friends house's she played with the boys toys and really got into playing more so than I ever saw her do at home. Kennedy liked "boys toys" no biggy really. I bought her a few cars and dump trucks (I let her pick out some things). I knew she never liked to play much with Madison's toys but figured that was just not her thing, but once I saw her go buck crazy with the boys things. I realized I had a "tomboy" and wanted to get things she was more interested in.
Later Kennedy stopped wanting to wear her clothes she kept saying "I hate this" she was also stealing clothes from cubbies at day care, she took boys "extra" clothes from their cubbies and put it in her spider man backpack. When I saw that I realized what the dressing fits at home where all about. She didn't like her "girly" clothes. I needed to get more primary colored clothes or more sporty stuff. My mom agreed, after many mornings getting kicked in the stomach because she hated her clothes. I could just take her shopping to get her clothes she liked...she was after all 3 years old now. I should let her pick out her own clothes. I went to our local shopping mart and told Kennedy we were going to get her some new clothes she will like cause Mommy is going to let her pick them out...she clapped all the way there. I sat her down out of the basket and she looked around, she didn't like anything. We kept looking and all of a sudden she darts across the isle to...the boys section and said mommy over here I want these clothes. I said no Kennedy those are boys clothes come back over here she said "no mommy I'm like them....I am a boy"
All of sudden something that was going on a school really me hit me hard.
Kennedy was in the 2 1/2 yr to 3 yr old room at daycare and was refusing to potty train in the girls restroom, she wanted to use the boys potty. How does a little one know which is which? Well there is picture of a girl on the girls door, and a pic of a boy on the boys potty door. Kennedy had been throwing a fit every day at school even biting teachers to get her way.... to stay in the boys line and use the boys potty but the teachers made her use the girls anyway. They thought it was cute and funny unless they where the one getting bit...she likes boys stuff so much she wants to stand in their line just like them too. Well I wasn't going to make such a big deal either. I was aware my child was a tomboy. She played like a boy, only wanted boys toys, rough housed around like a typical "tomboy". I had known of this potty drama at school but never put to much thought into it.
When Kennedy said "but Mommy I'm like them....I am a boy" I was dumb founded and concerned.
I let Kennedy get just a few things from the boys dept since she was relentless that I told her she was getting clothes she wanted. I wanted something easy for me to bare. I picked out animal print shirts..alligator, monkey, an elephant shirt. It was boys clothes but nothing abnormal for a tomboy to wear. With her flowing Blonde hair she still looked adorable. She also decided weeks later to ask me for dump truck tenie shoes. I was OK with that, I hoped she would keep them on. At school she kept taking her shoes off all the time, so I figured this might help that problem. I let Kennedy get her shoes and made it clear only if you will leave them on...she was so happy1 She never took them off at school again.
The potty training issue at school was getting worse. Kennedy had bitten more teachers and was refusing to potty in the girls restroom. She began to just pee all over herself. I went to the directors and explained that I was having similar problems at home and that maybe she could use the boys potty to ensure she uses the potty instead of peeing on herself. They agreed, even though they had never allowed such a thing before it would be better than the alternative of an angry child, bitten teachers and a digressing potty training 3 year old. They allowed Kennedy to use the boys potty at school. She was put at the end of the line and from that point on Kennedy continued to use the boys room all the way up until 6 years. It became pretty normal for everyone at the school. Kennedy was the little girl who acts, looks and thinks she is a boy.
Kennedy continued to tell everyone she was a boy, even if you didn't ask. She repeatedly said "I'm not a girl, I'm a boy" to me, everyone she played with or knew. She said "I'm a boy" to the strangers in line at the local grocery store. Which always got a laugh...considering how beautiful she was they all said no sweety your too beautiful, you definitely a girl. She would just keep arguing and stating the same thing "nooo I'm not!!! I AM A BOY" I was getting a little tiered of hearing it. Ever since that day in the store, when we were buying new clothes she proclaimed to be a boy, it has never stopped. It only continued and she became more demanding. Kennedy kept telling everyone she was a boy. When they didn't agree with her she would cry and cry "Mommy I am a boy I am... tell them I am a boy."
I would try to explain she was a girl that likes boy stuff, she said "no I'm not Mommy I'm just a boy"
Its been quite a while since those early days or biting and potty training. Kennedy still refuses to believe she is girl at all. She continues to believe in her conviction that she is a boy. She tells me that GOD gave her the wrong body. This may seem strange to you, it was just as strange to me years ago. No judgement for thinking it seems strange, it is a lot to grasp believe me!! I have been living this for a while so it is a lot easier now. I used to cry till my eyes were swollen shut. I cry a lot less now. Although I do have my break downs, I accept Kennedy as a boy and realize this condition exists. My child is faced with Gender Identity disorder also known as GID or Transgender.
Transgender is being the biological one gender but feeling the opposite gender in the brain. These children are diagnosed by psychologist. They are evaluated by many scales and if you meet my child you would see a regular typical boy...boy! Don't think that I think or any other parent of a transgender child feels that all tomboys are trans... many tomboys are just that a tomboy. They are girls who like boy stuff and or more masculine things. My child actually thinks she is a boy. That is one of the biggest differences. Another difference is just Kennedy's normal actions or responses. Kennedy acts like a typical boy, something you have to see to understand. The way he eats a chicken nugget or sits in a chair, the way he walks talks and acts around other boys or even...girls, he is in whole just a boy.
I finally came to terms with this diagnosis. I had to stop wishing it away, because it didn't work. I had to stop praying it would change, cause that never happened. I had to realize that even though I wanted my little girl to just be a "little girl" who just like boyish things, that wasn't it. I had to accept Kennedy wasn't going to let me raise her as a girl. She wasn't going to let me call her my daughter, a girl or any other girl pronoun. Kennedy wasn't a she at all...sure she has a female body, but that is all, her brain is all boy. On the inside Kennedy is a typical boy. Once I was able to let go of my daughter that never developed into a little girl, I embraced my little boy. The little boy that was there all along. Under those beautiful eyes and flowing blonde hair, beautiful clothes and sandals...I had my little Kennedy.....A handsome, vibrant, headstrong, strong willed, silly and rambunctious little boy.
And I let my SHE become the HE...he always was.
I no longer use any girl pronouns or any female words to describe my child It does help to tell his story and let you understand this transition using the pronoun that fit him at that time.
Thanks for listening!
Mom to my Kennedy now (7 years old) a transgender little boy that needs acceptance and understanding.