Please don't forget to read my first post "MEET KENNEDY" it will give you his story from the begining , It's where you get a glimpse of how we both got to this point in our lives. To a transitioned child...... and as a mother to my daughter to a mother to my son. From an upset misunderstood child to a happy robust boy ready to embrace the world!!


Thank you



Monday, July 5, 2010

HOW DO I KNOW MY CHILD IS TRANSGENDER??

This article (posted at bottom) is important to me so copy and past link below to read it. First it explains to people about transgender and how it is different than just a phase or a tomboy personality. Transgender goes way deeper than liking boy things or girl things it goes way deep to the true since of self and emotional well being.

Use this article to educate your self and if it may help you understand transgender community. If you read this and think you may have or be a transgender than please explore that and get as much info as you can to protect yourself or your child. I'm not saying all people who like other sex things are transgender. By no means is that true, transgendered people have a way deeper emotional since of the opposite sex and they are not comfortable being the sex they were born as, that is one main difference. Please use this article to learn and accept others and understand the Transgender world.

If you ever need more info please feel free to contact me by leaving a message for a private email I will be willing to help. If it is questions about yourself or your child....all is welcome.

For my controversy..(all the people that say, your doing the wrong thing you simply have a tomboy)....
Believe me I know there are tomboys...I have met many in my life and understand that they love all things that are boy. But being a transgender is totally different these children truly believe deep with in their selves that they are a boy or a girl. They feel as though they are trapped in the wrong body. This is not typical when it comes to a tomboy. Tomboys know they are female, and like that about them selves. Although they are more interested in masculine interest, it it stops there and that is a "tomboy". A trans child feels uncomfortable as being identified as female (or vice verse), and they get emotionally depressed to live as one.
OK now I'm going to give you some examples of the comments I have heard or received and my responses to them.

Comment:
"I loved boy stuff or I know someone who wanted to be a boy her whole life now she is a beautifull women married with children"

My Response to this:
Great, I'm glad that your situation was handled with care and you or the person you know developed into what they wanted. I want the same for my child, if Kennedy continues down this path....fine, if he changes coarse....that is fine too. I let him know all the time he is free to be a girl or accept himself as being a girl.
I didn't want him to be a boy or a girl, I want him to like him self and love his life as feels it should be. Kennedy may change some day, who knows?? What harm is there in letting your child feel happy about himself? Verse hating everything they see in the mirror or hating what people refer to him as. Kennedy hated looking like a female everyday he wined to me to change his clothes...shoes...hair...and undies. He said "mommy please believe me... I'm a boy...please mommy...I want you to believe me, please believe me". Kennedy didn't understand why everyone thought he was a girl, he didn't see what they saw. He saw him self as a boy and I had to explain to him why he wasn't one, he said that one part of body that GOD forgot makes me a girl.
How many tomboys say thing like that?? Come on people some children are tomboys some are transgender...please read more about it before you pass your judgement, at least make an attempt to make an educated response!


Comment:
Your making him believe he is a boy or your letting him be something he isn't and you should teach him or make him stop all this nonsense!

My Response:
Ever heard of feeling happy with who you are?? Well my child feels that who he really is....is a boy. I have no right as a parent or another human being to tell someone else who they truly are or how they should feel. I am not in Kennedy's head or in his mind, heart, thoughts of self. I don't know for sure how he really feels so why would I make him conform if I don't even know how that makes him feel inside about himself. He is the only one who knows how he /she feels and not I nor any of you do. I don't think it is right to "make" other people conform to what I say they are. It is a big part of who you are..of your own identity to be called male or female....boy or girl.....man or women, this isn't as easy as telling your child NO to a hair cut or type of dress or shoe choice's, those things are small things that a parent can govern, but how do you govern someones sole since of self? Their identity? Kennedy will always be free to make his own decesions if that means live as a male for the rest of his life, fine if that means accepting that he is female...fine too... it his life, not mine! I'm hear to love him, nuture him, guide him and make sure he loves his life and his self!!

The bottom line is I want my child to be happy......and guess what
I know that my child is happy. If he is happy he will have a good childhood. He will be able to accept himself, feel secure. If he were to live with this as a girl he would still be that angry child who didn't like themself. Anyone who truely knows my child agrees he is way happier and has blossomed into a very confident child...how is that a bad thing?
Please do your research, please..... take time to understand diffrent conditions.... take time to open your heart to things you don't understand..... take time to love people just they way they are.



http://www.socialwo rkblog.org/ helpstartshere/ index.php/ 2008/05/30/ how-do-i- know-if-my- child-is- transgender/

18 comments:

  1. Hi Candice,

    I'm in the very early stages of writing and thinking about this. My daughter is definitely a tomboy and is starting to say she wishes she were a boy. We think it's more about wanting to do boy things (Legos, Star Wars, light sabers, etc.) than being treated as a boy, but time will tell. We will love and support this kid no matter what.

    It looks like you're taking a break from this blog, but I'd love to follow Kennedy's story and cheer for your family.

    Thanks for sharing, for being brave, and for loving your Kennedy so deeply.

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  2. My 13 year old daughter told me last year that she wants to be a boy. This was the first I've heard her say anything like that. She loved to wear dresses and try on high heels. She is attracted to boys and girls. I am hesitant to complete believe she is transgender. She renamed herself "Ed" and wants everyone to call her that now. Is it wrong to give in to her desires and call her a boy? I am still searching for a therapist that specializes in gender issues for her to talk to. I'm just afraid that this is simply a fascination to her and that if I let her "change" too much, she will be afraid to change her mind later. I've also been looking for a support group for parents but have had no luck.

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    1. My daughter is 12 and just told me today that she thinks she wants to be a boy also. Never has this been an issue until now. I would describe her as a girlie tomboy as she likes both boy and girl thing. As her mom I have the same concerns you seem to have had. May I ask for your advice and how your situation turned out?

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  3. Hi Candice, I want to tell you thank you so much for your post on this. Too many transgendered children grow up without their parents' love and support because they do not understand or are ignorant about their own transgendered children. A parent's love and support means the world to a transgendered child. It helps boost their self-esteem and confidence, something that many transgendered children need so desperately when they start to transition to live the life they need to live in order to be happy. I hope the best for you and Kennedy :)

    Jade

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  5. I too have a similar situation with my son. He has been attending school as a boy since kindergarten. No one in the school knows that my son was born a girls except a select few of the staff. Life is so much easier for him now that he gets to be who he wants to be. It's nice to know they are genuinely happy. I am also glad to know that there are other children out there like mine. I have been on an endless search in my area for a play date for my child so he can realize he isn't the only one going through this.

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    1. Hi Candace, I just met someone who works with someone who knows your story personally. I believe we live in the same "red" area ;) My son just came out to us in August and is attending the local high school with students he has gone to school with since 4th grade. Luckily, the school is large (1,000) students on his 9th grade campus and 3,000 students on the main campus that he has found a place to "fit" in. So far, overall the school and students have been accepting. I would love to chat with you and see if you have any resources/rights information that I can present to the school district for the coming year when my son goes to the main campus. My son's story is a bit different, in the fact, that he did not know what his gender id was until puberty. Even in the trasgender spectrum he feels like he does not fit in...my husband and I tell him to enjoy who he is and do not worry about fitting in the perfect box. Transgender people come in all sizes, shapes, expressions and that is what makes them so beautifully unique. They all are traveling the same road, but with different journeys. Being a transplant from a much more liberal part of the country, I do find challenges to the religious-right thought process that predominately "decorates" the landscape. Luckily, there are more people like us, it is just finding them :) I believe "it takes a village" and that for all of the children of the village it takes love and acceptance of every child no matter what! Thank you for your courage!

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    2. I'd love to chat sometime! My phone number is 281 – 642– 2606. I started his journey along time ago when Kennedy, he was very little and I have come along way since then. He is now 10 years old and doing very well he transitioned at six. That may seem young but he was very convinced At a young age And was not doing well living as a girl. I do have a online support system and would be able to help, sometimes just chatting about the circumstances gives a lot of comfort!
      I'm not sure how much of my blog that you read, but Kennedy lives stealth so no one at school knows that he is transgender except for the school principals ,nurses and his direct teachers.
      Let me know when you have time to talk thanks

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  6. My 16 year old daughter came out to me as a bi-sexual 2 years ago. Since then she has had one girlfriend and a couple of boyfriends. She is still a virgin, I do believe her. We have always had this very open, tolerant relationship, unconditional - she has ALWAYS come to me with everything. She has always had a crazy fashion sense & has always been cutting edge when it comes to hair, music, everything. About 2 weeks ago, she decided she needed to cut her hair into a "faux-hawk". We did that last week. After the haircut she started wearing her brother's clothes & binding her breasts (poor thing's a DDD). On Sunday she told me she wants breast removal surgery & that she is transgender. Yesterday she sends me tons of links about it & in tears, told me that she has been in denial her whole life. I hugged her and told her that no matter what, I am here. Her "soul happiness" is my biggest concern, "forever & ever amen". She asked me to wait to talk to her Dad, or the rest of our extended family, yet. She's OK'd me to tell one of my friends, she understands Mom needs to talk to someone too. We live in a VERY small town, backwards, actually. Hard to find a family therapist, let alone a transgender specialist.

    She is in a exchange student program, will be leaving for Taiwan in August for 10 months. She worked very hard to get in this program. She said she wanted wait on counseling or anything else til she gets back. But she does want a "binder" for her breasts now. Is that physically healthy, can it hurt the breast tissue? She will be under so much other stress over the next year, I don't want her tormented through that time. What can I do for her?

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  7. Candice, you are a huge inspiration to not only parents but any transgendered person reading this.

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  8. You sound like a great parent, too many are worried about what people will think instead of what their child needs. I'm very confused atm and really don't know what to do for the best... my daughter Emily 6 she is a classic tomboy, she wears boys clothes, loves superheros and soccer, she is chopping her hair up short this Friday, she has been this way since about age 3, I have always made excuses about cutting off her hair because I was afraid that she'd be bullied but it's something she really wants so we're doing it. She has in the past told me she doesn't want to grow 'boobies' and will cut them off! And the odd time if I say good girl she tells me I should say boy. Thing is though she's not miserable at all, she is a happy, active and social child. She has never mentioned changing her name either. I don't want to steer this for her in either direction and I don't know how to proceed without assuming sge is transgender, I don't want her to feel that she's not free to be a girl either... like I said confused! Any advice you can give would be really welcome x

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  9. Hello, my son is 17 yrs old and just recently announced "he" has always been a "she" and would like to be addressed by his new name, "chloe". His dad, little brother and I are having a very hard time with this. Ronnie has never shown any feminine characteristics, has very poor grooming habits, and even though he insists he is a girl, rarely shaves and continues to dress like a guy (rock t-shirts and jeans). He says he still is attracted to girls but is bisexual. The condundrum is this, he's always been a quirky kid. He's never maintained friendships, finds it hard to fit into any group. At age 5 his pediatrician suggested Ronnie had Asperghers - on the high achieving end of the Autism spectrum. To this day he cannot answer a phone, order fast food on his own, talk to people he knows when he sees them in public,finds it very hard to interact with people and has been bullied by others his age most of his life. He's a good looking kid and is musically gifted, plays most instruments and loves to perform in bands and onstage as a singer, drummer, bass player you name it. However he rarely even speaks to his own band mates though and has a very hard time maintaining any type of relationship with anyone. This is killing us as a family. We have no idea where he came up with this "I am and have always been your daughter" but I have him with a therapist whom he chose and who specializes in gender confusion therapy. So far, I've not seen a change. He starts his junior year in HS tomorrow and I'm scared he's going to have a very hard time if he has the teachers address him as Chloe when he looks like Ron. I love my kid and want to support him/her but right now I feel as if I am living with a stranger in my home.

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  10. Children aren't capable of expressing the true reasonings behind WHY they feel the way they do. I was a tomboy. At first I wanted to not be a girl. Ofc at that age, if i had talked about it, i would have said "i wish i was a boy." Look around at how young girls are treated.. lol. "No dear your brother can only go have fun. You have to stay here and do "girl" things (which are meaningless, boring and lame.) "No dear, only your brother can fish and hunt, that's not really for girls." Lets skip ahead to school: "Oh my god, you need a makeover or boys will never like you!" (Which leads to them realizing that if that's the only way a boy will like them, than they'd rather not have a boy.) "What are you a lesbo!?" Now lets skip to tv. *Sea of women who are overly sexualized and scantily clad with unrealistic bodies and looks.* Ofc any NORMAL child would run far away from that crap. In my opinion having a "boyish" personality is NORMAL and everyone else is brainwashed. Now I know though that I like being a wife and a mommy and I love my husband. I have never been 'attracted' to a female.

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  11. Hi Candice
    I have a child who I believe has a gender variant, but I'm not sure yet if it is "transgender". I am reading everything I can find and learning as much as I can, but I feel at this point that I would prefer to find a SUPPORTIVE professional to engage my child in councelling, so I can be as supportive as possible. My child is approaching puberty over the next year or 2 and if suppresive therapy is the right thing to do, I want to be prepared.
    If there are any resources you can recommend, it would be highly appreciated!
    TIA

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  12. I am glad I came across this post.

    My daughter - this morning- told us she wants to be a boy. She wants to change her name and start getting testosterone shots and wants us to refer to her as a him.

    We are just flabbergasted. Please know - this isn't something we are against - but how do you know if your child really is transgendered or if it is a phase because she has friends who are saying the same thing.

    My daughter has been girly from the beginning. She wouldn't leave the house without tulle and a crown. Granted - she has never been afraid to get dirty or play in the mud - but beyond that she was as girly as any girl ever once. For years she wouldn't wear anything but dresses. She has had crushes on boys - both when younger and now as a 14 year old.

    Last year she decided she didn't want to wear dresses anymore. I was the same way - just wasn't comfortable in them anymore at that age. She dresses in black, bleached her hair white and changes it to purple/blue at will. Wears jeans and flannel shirts.

    Up until the last few months the only time she even mentioned she didn't like being female was when she started her period. "I hate it! Why do I have to get these every month! It isn't fair, boys don't have periods and boys don't grow boobs, why do I have to." The last few months she gets real touchy. I will tell her to load the dishwasher, "IS THAT BECAUSE I AM A GIRL! YOU ARE MAKING ME FALL INTO THESE GENDER ROLLS!" My response is usually, "Um, no. It is your night to do the dishes - that is why I told you to do the dishes. Anything at all I say that can be a "typical" female roll she starts screaming about it. I don't want her to get a tattoo - she is 14, "IS THAT BECAUSE GIRLS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SWEET AND NOT HAVE THINGS LIKE THAT!" Me, "Um, no. It is because you are 14 and that is too young to have a tattoo that will be with you forever."

    I am just confused. I know individuals who are homosexual - but I have never closely known someone who is transgendered. How does a person go from being as girly as can be from early on (always wanted pink and sparkly thinks when younger) to "I am a boy trapped in a girls body, and always have been."

    Would love some advice here. . . .

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    1. I am in the very same position.

      My daughter will be 18 this month. She tells me she is trans. She wasn't like this until she met one of her friends who just feels the need to be different. So after she met this friend, she told me she was bi. Then a bit later, after her friend came out as Lesbian, so did my daughter and all her friends. Then this friend wanted to be nongender and then trans. My daughter went to gay pride and came back trans. I have no clue how that happened.

      She was always into guy things and getting dirty and hated being a girl. BUT, I was the same way when I was young and hated being a girl. I am still very much a tomboy but am married to a man and never had an interest in women or both or anything like that.

      She is insistant on getting on Testerone once she turns 18 and I keep trying to tell her to wait until she is about 23-25 so her brain is fully grown and she can make such life altering decisions.

      I can't comprehend this entire gender world. There was an article the other day which was about 58 different genders. Come one now. There is male and female. Why must there be more? I can't comprehend this at all and no matter what I say, she has an answer for everything. Is this really just an epidemic? She is basing her entire life on trans. Which colleges are pro-trans? Which president will be ok with trans? etc. She doesn't care if the new president will help her future but she is more interested in whether they will be ok with the trans community. Ugh, my brain hurts just thinking about it.
      HELP !!!!!!!!!!!

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    2. My heart goes out to you. I am in exactly the same boat. My daughter is failing school. She's 14. In August of this year, we started to hear rumblings from her of being Trans. Previously, she was a typical girl, loved to go to Sephora, buy shoes, wear gorgeous dresses. She literally cannot think of anything BUT being trans lately. She is angry. This is a kid who used to ask me was it okay to say 'shut up' occasionally. Now she talks like a truck driver, wears flannel shirts that are 4 sizes to large and had her gorgeous blond hair shaved off. I can't stand what she is doing to herself and to our family. She has no friends at school, the teachers are so frustrated and I am about to tear my hair out.

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